What is awesome worth to you?

For everyone who has had to bear with me as I worry and wonder and wreak havoc on my budget, thank you. I realize it must be painful to hear me whine incessantly with an ever-wavering mindset ranging from eloping to having an inexpensive picnic to a destination wedding. At Christmas? No, October? No, August! It's not like you have anything going on in your own lives that could possibly be more important than me finally giving you the okay to buy your tickets, right?

I can also see how hard it's been to provide support and advice when I'm a crumpled mess from making so many decisions at work all day that I just want you to tell me what to do. Especially since one minute I'll say I don't want to spend more than $X and the next minute I'm googling String Quartets... So, to all those who talked me off the edge at some point or another throughout the last few months, I really do appreciate it - if it makes you feel any better, YOU are the ones I'm most excited to share this with. To be honest, that's what makes some of these decisions like budget and venue and timing so hard for me to make on my own. It's such a tricky balance between what I want, what I think those I'm closest to would like (or appreciate since so many of you are coming from out of town), and what I think the peripheral folks expect.

I've been struggling a lot because I wanted to make sure our wedding was unique and had personality. Most people who know me would say I've got plenty of "personality" to go around, but it's been surprisingly difficult for me to determine what the essence of Adam and I is. Since most of "my" guests have only met Adam once, it is very important for me to make sure we create an atmosphere that, amid all the hooplah, retains as much of the spirit of he and I together as possible. Yet, even though that was my mission (as well as: NO windowless banquet rooms with hideous carpet), I still found myself trying to please everyone else with each decision. One second I'm proclaiming, "You won't find me giving a crap about napkin colors!" or rambling on about how I just can't see myself spending money on a bunch of flowers that will just die or 100 hurricane candles that will get dusty in my garage and the next I'd be agonizing over not having the cash for nicer chairs. But I really didn't want to get caught up in those types things mattering to us to make our event special for all of you.

We'd come to the conclusion pretty early on that we were going to end up spending more than we originally hoped. And that was okay. Mostly because my naive guess at what would be appropriate to spend to get the types of things I wanted. But every line item on the budget that I had to add or modify (usually up), I did so very begrudgingly. Unfortunately, I started to look at planning as a chore instead of having fun with it. Before spending a dollar, I'd think about how else I'd want to spend that dollar -- what could it do for us, for me, for our future? 

Then, when the "Great Reset of Memorial Day Weekend" came upon us and there was talk of eloping or surprising people at the shower, I was all but ready to give up even the most basic things I said I wanted (that ONE photo of the man looking at me with so much love captured at just the right moment OR to have everyone hear the lyrics of a song that once defined my search for a soulmate in the quiet just before the ceremony). One would THINK if that all this spending and planning was wearing me down to this point of despair and stress, my reset would have ended with the OBVIOUS conclusion that we should just call it off and do something privately. But, I suppose if you know me at all, you wouldn't expect normal, right? So, to me, it makes perfect sense that my solution to spending too much money for something I didn't feel was "me" or fun and easy for all of you was to... spend just a little more money to make it WOW.

It's hard to make a decision like this when every day you're faced with economic woes and hardship that your friends and family are being hit with. That's why to me, making sure I spend on what's most important to me (vibe, comfort and awesome food) and not the things that aren't (pink/blue gel lighting to make a beige ballroom seem vibrant). I'll have to see how well I keep to this rule as I actually start knocking things off my list, but I'm telling you, if WORST came to WORST, I don't think anybody would even notice if there wasn't a single flower with a venue this naturally gorgeous. 

It's funny that for all my stressing, I haven't even thought about what would happen if it rains...